I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
