I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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