dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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