why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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