The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He felt like a one man threesome
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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