I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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