Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
