The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
50% drunk capacity currently
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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