I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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