Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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