Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
