Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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