with your own penis?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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