Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This baby is an asshole
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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