Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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