you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
