yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Randomize
