You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
