I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
