You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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