I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
