i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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