turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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