I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
