I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
