A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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