Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
