He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
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We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
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I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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