I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
