i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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