i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
