I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
