Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
