why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
