Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
