You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
