Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
