I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
BRING THE BAGELS
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
