so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
