Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
