She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
