for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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