Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
