Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
