i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
