my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
