whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He felt like a one man threesome
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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