You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
