i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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