I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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