You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
