Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I touched a dick in church today
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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