i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
