Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
