She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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