remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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