Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
