So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
