apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
